Oh...my... God how excited am I!? So I am so happy that I decided to go home this weekend and because of that had to walk around the block in order to have my first post-cleanse smoke which had the delightful addition of a phone conversation with my beloved, you. I always adore talking with you but this particular conversation was even more meaningful. You said something like, "If you can do [the Master Cleanse] you can do anything." And I trust you, so... I can do anything. Hell, we have a black president and yes he did.. so shit yea... yes I can! OMG I had a dream last night he chose me to be in a play with him and he put his arm around me and I fainted and he just whispered in my ear that everything would be okay... Ooh Barack! Okay sorry.
So, here commences my journey to my first bikini. Mind you, I had a size DD bra in like the fourth grade... so a bikini was NEVER an option for me (except for the summer I went to the Dominican Republic like a month after surgery.. but even then I should not have been in a bikini but was too excited I really jumped the gun) and I say it every single year, 'I will be in the beach in a bikini this year,' and each year I just get fatter and fatter and further and further away from the beach, and my goals. So shit I'm fuckin' doing it (are we cursing in this blog? We really need to cause I don't think I know how to express myself otherwise... maybe I shouldn't be an elementary school teacher).
Agh... I suppose I should give a brief background into my exact intentions in this fattie challenge. I only say 'agh' because it means I have to think about the things that cause me to eat in the first place. The bad things. The things about life.
I guess I'll start with the fact that, as you know, I broke up with M like almost 6 months ago. During the time I was with him, maybe not in the beginning so much but definitely after we moved in together, I felt so horrible about myself... and he definitely didn't help. He made me feel so bad about eating the things I was eating, when I was eating them, the fact that I didn't go to the gym, the fact that I rested after work etc. He made me feel so bad about myself and I was so fucking depressed that I would like binge eat (after getting really high of course which I also did in excess and in secret because he made me feel so bad about it) and like munch out before he got home from work. I didn't realize until I left him that I felt so bad and that I didn't have to believe the things he said about me and I no longer had to have what he said effect me (should it be affect... I should learn the difference). WOW! Okay didn't mean to open that can of worms...
So I had my mourning period and now here I am... Harlem. I have a new living situation in a brand new exciting place which I love and I am ready to make myself totally new. Well no I take that back. I love a lot of things about me. But I am going to finally get myself feeling better. And this includes making it to my goal weight and looking the way I never before believed that I could look. This is a top priority.
Which is why I am so excited that you heard in my voice that I am so committed to this great change.
Okay... jeez I should be laying on a couch in front of someone with a legal notebook right now.
Here are my goals:
1. Already said... TO WEAR BIKINI THIS SUMMER
2. I would love to get to my DREEEAM weight by the summer. So that's 117 so that's 30ish lbs by June 22 (I think is the first day of summer). I will weight myself at the gym tomorrow.
3. Make going to the gym part of my life routine
4. I would love to quit smoking... both things. This will help with feeling better, exercise more and not eating.
Weaknesses: Aghh
Okay so I definitely late every night... and I usually eat the most of what I eat during this time.
I love shitty food... french fries, bagels, pizza. Oh yea... I also pretty much only eat carbs.
I need to eat more fruits and vegetables... I <3>
Okay so what did I eat today? Today was not a good day eating wise. Not cause I didn't eat too much... because I didn't eat enough. I blame it on my math homework. Oh...and btw... turns out I'm on like a kindergarten math comprehension level. Anyway... I had a bag of Cheez Its... and that's it so far... and it's almost midnight. This can't be good. I get all hyped up after class for some reason... like cause participate to a borderline obnoxious degree... so I am still like going on that energy and my stomach is shrunken a little screwy from the cleanse but I know I 'll get hungry in a little while. I have an all natural burrito I'll eat... Tomorrow I will eat real meals.
I joined the gym today! Yay! But I couldn't work out.... again, math homework. But I did go to orientation and watched the trainers penis move through his loose sweatpants while he demonstrated squats... I mean... I learned how to use all the machines. Tomorrow I am shooting for the morning Ab class.
Okay wow I'm sorry this is so long. Feel free to skim.
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